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[19 Apr 2005|03:52pm] |
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( Surveys )
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[10 Apr 2005|10:36am] |
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( Surveys )
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[01 Jan 2005|05:47pm] |
[six] things that 2004 taught you;
1) Appreciate everyone you meet as much as you can, you don't know if they'll unexpectantly leave you.
2) Life is incredibly unpredictable
3) Depression sucks
4) Boys can be incredibly dumb, but there is nothing you can do
5) Friends are completely awesome
6) Guard rocks
[five] new people you've met or become close with in 2004;
1) All the guard people... especially Mere
2) Ben
3) DJ
4) Emi
5) my little sister
[six] things you want to do in 2005;
1) Get into a relationship with someone worth my time
2) Be in indoor guard and rock
3) Go to Spain as an exchange student
4) Get off Celexa and not need it anymore
5) Stop cutting and get less depressed
6) Write more poetry
[four] personally significant events of 2004;
1) Caitlin dying
2) Homecoming/DJ
3) Being depressed and all that..
4) Guard
[four] things you don't want to do in 2005;
1) Cut
2) Commit suicide
3) Lose friends
4) Fail out of school
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[05 Dec 2004|02:56pm] |
Thursday sucked. I was insanely depressed and almost cried during band class. I talked to Ben that night, and felt a tiny bit better, I wasn't set on committing suicide the next night anymore...
Friday was interesting. I forgot to go to a meeting after school, and stupidly rode home on the bus. Way to go me... -_-;;. But I talked to Cyndi and it was all good.
Then I got online, because Ben commanded me to. I had one of the deepest conversations ever, and I told him almost everything about my life, all the things I've never told anyone because I was too scared... he's awesome.
Yesterday was pretty fun.
I went to the mall to try and buy christmas presents, but I had to go with my older sister, and she hates shopping and refused to go into some of the stores I had to buy stuff from. So, it was basically unsuccessful. But I got an Amy Lee poster for my room and it makes me happy :D.
Tracy came over to my house early, because she couldn't go to movie night at Laura's unless her parents dropped her off somewhere at 4:30 (they were going somewhere, and no one could give her a ride)
So we hung out for a while, saw my cats, talked about Adam, etc. lol. Then we still had an hour, so my mom took us to Giant, and we picked out food to bring (Doritos and yummy marshmellow cookie-thinges, like mini moonpies)
Laura's house was fun :D. It was me, Mere, Coonzie, Mike, Gina, Laura, Shea, Tracy, Margaux, and Julia Olsen. We watched Ever After, which made the guys want to throw up because of its cheesyness, and then watched Goldmember. Actually, we didn't really watch them, we just kinda talked through most of it. lol. Shea was obsessed with "the buldge", and Casey's little lie, or should I say big lie. >_< So dirty.
I got a ride home from Margaux at around 12:20, even though I could've walked. But no one wanted me to get raped. lol.
My parents were at a party. So, I talked to Caroline until about 2. Then I went to sleep.
Today I have a cello lesson at 4:30-5:30, and we have to immediately drive from there to the 3 1/2 hour GT orchestra rehearsal, which is INSANELY boring. uuugh.
Um, yeah, what a pointless post..
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[24 Nov 2004|07:27pm] |
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Yesterday was fun.... Emi and I went to the mall, saw Arie (and concluded he IS gay), hung out, joked around... and had sooo much fun! <33333 You are so spiffy Emi, you make my day. And thanks for the shirt and stuff!
The Shirt
I'll make it up to you, whether you like it or not.
So, today my grandma came. My mom said I could go to the mall, so I was trying to get DJ to come. He decided not to, because he might go climbing with schleuter. So, Caroline, Ashley and I went. I got some presents, and it was fun. I kept texting DJ, and it was awesome... <3
Okay, so then I came home, expecting a perfectly normal night of relaxation.
Jason called. Which isn't surprising, because he calls me a lot.
HE ASKED ME OUT.
WTF?!
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[22 Nov 2004|11:57am] |
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Korn - Thoughtless |
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I'm tired of having my feelings be all over the place because of DJ.
I'm done with him... now I just have to try and get over him as soon as I can so I can finally stop being so unstable...
It's just that he's too unconsiderate and unreliable. He changed my mood like 5 times a day. I can't take that anymore... I'm still trying to recover from Depression, and I can't take this...
I swore I wasn't gonna cut for the rest of my life if I could help it, and I already broke that. And I can't take letting myself down. He makes me either sooo happy, or wanna cut and die. I can't deal with that... I want to be stable, I want to be happy and not worried about going out of control... I want to relax and try to enjoy life if it is possible for my brain to let me.
The problems with him are just taking me backwards.... I want to go forwards, so I can be stable and content...
I'm not ready for a relationship yet... I wish I was, but I know I'm not. So, I should just try to be happy with myself first, before I get other people involved....
He's a cool guy, but not for me. ;D
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[13 Nov 2004|09:11pm] |
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Hm. I just feel like updating.
Things are up and down and all over the place. I feel so differently all the time, it's like I am unstable.
DJ doesn't want to pursue anything romantically with me... I thought I'd be fine without him, and at first it seemed I could get over him.
But I can't stop thinking about him! I can't stop looking at him, worrying about him and what he's doing and who he's with, thinking about how much I want to be with him every second of the day, and I can't take it anymore!
I like him.
I wish I didn't, I wish I could've gotten over him. But, noooo. Things just don't work out with me.
The guy doesn't want to date me. Period. Why can't I understand that?!
Sometimes I think I hear him laughing or talking, and I turn bright red. Just thinking about him makes me all flustered. Whenever I see him feel like I'm floating, and I become jittery and nervous and.. well. I dunno. I love seeing him though. I purposely wait until the the next lunch shift everyday to see him (because his lunch is always right after mine.) I pretend like I'm doing something and wait to see him. Just to say hi. I wake up looking forward to Chemistry class because he sits right behind me. I look forward to band class and watch him while we rehearse. Whenever I see him I hug him, and I feel like such a bitch for taking his hugs for something more than a friendly one. DJ hugs everyone, and I'm not a special one. Well, sometimes he treats me a little differently, like tickling me from behind, or giving me extra hugs, or just smiling and staring at me in class. But, it will never go anywhere...
I can't take it anymore!!
I think about him all day, I can't get him out of my head, and it's just making me miserable!
"JPJ Flea Freak: all i ask
JPJ Flea Freak: is that whatever choice i make with my love life
JPJ Flea Freak: you not get upset"
I said I'd be fine when I talked to him. I just wish I could keep that promise.
I'm dying to snuggle with him, kiss him, go out on a date, spend alone time with him.. I can't stop thinking about things that I will never recieve from him.
I wish he'd given me a chance to date him.... I just wish for one more chance..
I am going out of my mind!!
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[05 Nov 2004|09:57pm] |
My internet has been down for a few days... It's finally up!! YAY!! I was DYING.
Um. Not much is up with me...
We had a game tonight for marching band. It was COLD. 37 degrees is the temperature now, and it was colder then. COLD. We have little sleeve-less outfits maae of THIN fabric. Ah. And our shoes suck as well, they're thin and they freeze (hold the temperature). I couldn't feel my feet until I took those damn things off. My hands also froze too.. >_<... sooo cold.. my fingers are still screwed up, making it very hard to type...
But I was telling Shea and Brad about the DJ stuff, and Brad asked DJ to come sit next to me while they were doing all the pep band stuff. So he left the trumpet section and sat next to me and kept me warm. ;D But he had to leave after half-time because he's sick.. (poor guy has a terrible cold and cough, and it's been that way over a week..). So, I had an arm around me and cuddled with him... :D
The half time show was okay, it was hard because we were freezing, but other than that...
I miss everyone. I've been with the guardies so much... How is everyone at RHHS doing? Call me sometime! :D
I just talked to DJ. XD Flirting is fun. yay.
He might not come tomorrow though! He's REALLY sick ;_;. I told him that I'd miss him and I hope he feels better. And that if he comes on the bus, I'll keep him warm ;D. I hope he comes!! ;_;
Um. I don't know what to say anymore.. so this entry is done.
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[02 Nov 2004|09:29pm] |
( Surveys! )
I was going to write an lj entry and I got lazy...
Today was a nice day.. very relaxing..
I had breakfast with Gina, Krason, Ben, Eric, and DJ at IHOP. Then I hung out with Ashley and Cyndi, then with just Ashley.. it was fun..
Um. yeah.
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| Ranting |
[29 Oct 2004|06:44pm] |
Hm.. I don't update much anymore. I think most of the stuff will be public from now on.. :O
I'm getting less depressed. I really am. I've changed and grown so much lately... Sometimes situations trigger me, and I reach for the razor, but I'm handling things better.. I feel like everyday I learn something amazing and new. Each day I feel like a completely different person, I act and think so differently each day. I change so drastically. I explained this to my therapist, and she thought I was making up for lost time, because Depression kinda sticks you in a hole..
I feel like Depression, as absolutely terrible as it was, has taught me a lot. I have become more perceptive, sensitive, and understanding for others, because I thought everyone hated themselves and took things the way I did. I learned appreciate other people more than myself (even if I hated myself and loved everyone else..) I don't hate anyone. I have a great appreciation for happiness now and stability. And I feel like I saw the world through different eyes than everyone else...
I know I haven't recovered yet. Just two nights ago I wanted to attempt suicide, and I cut. But slowly things are changing, and I feel like a new person each day.
lol, all the colorguard people think I'm anorexic. I'm trying to convince them I'm not... which is hard. They tried force feeding me at lunch one day, and Coonzie took my spoon and was making airplane sounds XD
I've learned a lot from colorguard too. I've met awesome, bubbly, fun people, and I'm building up confidence. My social anxiety is getting better, and I can actually talk to some other people besides ones I know occasionally. Like, I'm getting to be friends with cool people :D
I feel wanted. I feel like I have a place. And I feel less of an outcast, a loser, an ugly bitch, all those negative things. I still have hatred towards myself, but I've made such a change... Life can be more exciting if you just give it a chance...
Maybe I'm just in a really good mood because DJ's gonna ride the guard bus with me tomorrow.. ;D lol. I'm such a boy crazy loser.
I can't wait for tomorrow.. we're playing at Raven's Stadium in Baltimore! Plus., the whole DJ thing. And competitions are just plain FUN.
And the random statement for the day:
Horn raises are sexy. XD (and you think I'm kidding..)
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[03 Oct 2004|01:21pm] |
Whee.. Well, I have a lot to say, mostly about marching band!
Okay, so Friday night we had a game, because we got stadium lights!! YAY!! We played Resevoir. Ah, Resevoir is decent this year, because they got a new coach, whose team was undefeated last year. We almost got a tie, but missed a 2 pointer in the last 2 seconds! It was a really close game...
Our half time show rocked, it was probably one of our best preformances (at least for guard...)
Then, the next morning I got up around 10:00, and got ready to go to mraching band. We practiced from 12-4, then loaded the buses and headed to the mall. Guard also did spirit bags, and I got some real yummy food. My spirit bag person was Michelle, and she loved the stuff I got her (of course she didn't know it was from me, it's a secret..) When she read my note, she cried.. aw.. I <3 Michelle.
So we went to the mall.. I ate Japanese food. Vegetarian Soba. yummy. We loaded the buses again and left to go to Westminster.
Let me just say that getting hair, make-up, uniforms, all that stuff is hard to do on a bumpy bus.
We got off the bus, warmed up.. blah blah blah. We approached the field (I was a little nervous)...
Our preformance was pretty bad. ;_;. We got a lot of points off for our entrance (we lost 6 points for something we didn't know we weren't allowed to do.. it was weird.) But, we got through it, so it's all good.
After that we got dressed and watched a few other shows. I cheered for RHHS, because of Josy and Emi! <3
The guard did pretty good, band's marching and movement was a little messy at times, and you guys didn't know your drill for the last song, so you stood in place (though it did look cool), but other than that, I was impressed! I can tell you guys are working hard, and I thought it was REALLY good!! :D The guard was great, everything was timed well, and you did an amazing job Emi (we watched you!!). Josy, you did amazing as well. Perfect. <3
We got an 80 or something.. ;_;. Mostly due to our lost points of our entrance. GAH. We would've gotten an 87, but NOOOOO. It wasn't something that we could really control either..
But we got best auxillery!! :D Yeah guard!!
The bus ride home was fun, I talked to michelle, and we had some pretty cool conversations...
Then I went home and attempted to sleep. I was hyper...
Now I'm just sitting here bored.. meh.
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[07 Sep 2004|10:51pm] |
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Megan (sinfulxsugar) made my layout. Everyone appaluad her. It's simply AMAZING!! I love it to death. Thanks sooooooooooooooooo much. <333333333333 forever (I'd write even more thanks, but I already wrote a long comment full of them.
Guard tonight was pretty intense. I was on the verge of tears throughout most of it, and Tracy cried and Margaux left. That was because Mitch wasn't there to teach us work, we were all stressed and/or PMSy, and the lady in charge that night was a complete and utter bitch. We did 200 pushups, 600 crunches, and ran around the whole freakin' school (3 floors, up and down stairs, and around every hallway). The lady was being a complete bitch to the AHS guard, and we hated her guts. And Mitch isn't dependent, he's done almost nothing for us. He needs to teach us more work, he needs to buy us the fish flags, he needs to work on our costume ideas with us, etc. etc. He hasn't been practicing with the AHS guard for both guard practices in a row! All of us are pissed and think it's just a waste of time to go to practice if Mitch isn't there, because there's nothing to do but review, and we've already done that for HOURS. We were all mad, and it didn't help that the lady was a complete bitch to us. Argh. She was even yelling at our captains about the way they were teaching. She is the Resevoir Assistant coach. She didn't pay much attention to us, except for yelling. She said so much stuff... ARGH. I hate her more than Mitch!!!
At least all the guard people absolutely rule. Otherwise I wouldn't be involved, this is WAY too stressful, especially for us new people who don't even have a permanant coach, and have to learn work in 3 seconds...
Today was crazy.. 7:00-2:15? school. 2:30-4:15 orchestra, then guard until 9. ARGH.
I'm tired.. time for bed.
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[24 Aug 2004|08:59am] |
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I got a fever Sunday night, and still have one.
No wonder everything my parents tried to feed me tasted terrible and I was in a terrible mood.
Let me just tell you, going to band camp with a fever isn't much fun.
So sorry if I've been bitchy to you lately.. and thanks for answering the survey everyone..
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[22 Aug 2004|01:55pm] |
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( Stuff )
I'm kinda in a bad mood. I really don't feel like I can write anything here anymore. It seems like I'm so alone in everything I feel and go through, and posting on here either gets people mad or upset or is just a waste of time. I feel restrained on here now, because of everything weighing down on me. It's hard to explain.
For example, I'm sorta annoyed at Ashley right now, and I want to post something about it, but of course I can't because none of you are in that position and would be mad at me probably. Let's just say she tells me one thing and tells Meghan another, and it's relating to our friendship..
I want to post about being so alone and feeling like no one cares, but people would interpret that is stupid whining.
No one but depressed people know what depression is like. It's so undescribible. It's my life. How can I describe the way I live, what I'm used to, the way I see, feel, hear, and interpret things? How can anyone but me know what I'm going through?
You just don't know. It's not your fault. But no one sees how every little thing impacts me. How I'm easily hurt, and it adds to my self-hate, every degrading word that's said, every negative implied thought.. everything. When no one wants to see me I feel hurt. When people say I'm bad at something I'm hurt. When people don't want to see me. When people tell other people they're sick of me, but tell me they can't see me because they're busy. I'm not stupid, I can see what you all think of me, what's never said.
I hate how everything sounds so cliche and stupid. How I can't get this out well and make it seem like the truth of my life. How instead I'm labeled as a poser or whiner. I hate saying that no one understands, but it seems so true.
No one seems to take me seriously anymore. Maybe because I've posted so many messages about killing myself, it doesn't impact you anymore. But no one knows how much strength I've fought it with. That it's not just something I'm saying for pity or something stupid like that. That I really mean it, that I am fully capable of killing myself at those moments, and have to go againest the suicidal thoughts to take care of myself. That with each thought, each day, I fight everything even if I don't feel like it, even if I don't care. That's because I want to believe life has something good in store for me.
I want to be normal and happy and sweet and perfect. But it's not possible for me. It's not like I chose to be depressed. And if you think that you're a fucking retard.
I wish people could understand how sensitive other people are. How others feel. Or at least pretend to care.
I need to get depressed friends or something. Because it's so hard to have a strong friendship with someone who knows basically nothing about your life. Depression takes over someone's life, people need to know, or try to understand.
Why does no one take suicide threats seriously? I'm not saying this for the sake of myself, but for all depressed or suicidal people. It's like nothing matters until they die. Then they feel bad and say, "Oh, I should've helped her." or "I wish I took her seriously." or "I wish I could've been there for her." It's so stupid. Why do we have to die to get what's needed?
I mean, if someone had a sickness and said they might die it seems most of you would be more worried than if someone was depressed and said they might die. Why is that?
I'm sick of living a shitty life. I want to be better. Yep. I'm selfish.
Love and support means the world to depressed people.
I just want people to learn a few things. Be sensitive to others. Try and be there for people, and seek them out instead of them always having to find you when they have problems. Try to understand people. Don't label people. Take threats seriously. And just love people.
That's all I have to say. I bet I'll get a lot of angry comments for this post, lol.
EDIT:
For all people with depression reading this, of course it's not directed at you. Unfortunately you may know where I'm coming from with all this stuff. There are some people who read my lj that this is not talking to, and some that it is.
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[13 Aug 2004|12:27pm] |
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Like my new icon? :D
Yesterday guard was intense.. over 600 crunches, push-ups, hours of drop-spins and peggy-spins and argh. My shoulders and stomach (abs?) are a little sore.
Summer reading is evil and annoying. ARGH. I don't know what to write, I don't what the teacher wants..
Might be getting my ears pierced again today. I got them pierced when I was little, but they got infected. So, I'm getting them done again, and taking better care of them..
Also, school supply shopping. Call me stupid, but I love shopping for school supplies! XD
And Ashley might be coming home today! :D
Not much else is new, what a stupid update.
I should stop listening to love songs, they're making me feel lonely.
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[05 Aug 2004|04:47pm] |
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Hey guys!
I'm at the beach, on my grandmother's computer. AOL sucks :P
Anyway, I'll be back on Saturday (later in the day.)
I'm having fun, but of course horribly depressed. --;;
We went to a water park, the new mall here (biggest in SC, the Hot Topic was kickass... I might persaude my mum to get me those 2 evanescence posters and the Amy Lee shirt..), went to a flea market (which was cool, all the stuff there is perfect quality, and they have sooo much stuff like we have at the mall in columbia, except cheaper..), the beach, and broadway at the beach (a shopping place sorta.) Visiting granny and goofing off.
Not much else to say except I miss everyone. Ashley will be gone when I come back (I will be depressed and lonely without you), and Jinjin will go to china(I haven't seen you much ;_;), and Cyndi will go to China, and.. ARGH. I guess I'll have to bug you Emi, k? :D I missed you when you were in China.
Here's my schedule:
Orchestra Mr. O'Bryan Band Room
Chemistry 1 GT Mr. White 169
English 10 GT Mr. Vennard 134
Algebra 2 GT Mr. Fritz 114
American Gov. Honors Mr. Mitchell 121
Spanish 3 Honors Mrs. Townsend 221
Symphonic Wind Ensemble Mr. Stevens Band Room
I couldn't get into AP Government, my schedule wouldn't work out. ARGH. So, I'm in a stupid Honors class. damn.
Lol, I only have 1 female teacher. um. interesting.
So, that's basically it. Call me after Saturday (or later that day).
<3
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[23 Jun 2004|03:47pm] |
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You are Larry, concertmaster supreme! You are
talented and command a lot of respect. But
sometimes your quirky sense of humor throws a
few people off...ah well, their loss. And by
the way, you got MAD VIOLIN SKILLZ, yo.
Which member of the AHS orchestra are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
LOL, my sister made that quiz. But that's a REALLY ugly picture of Larry. *shudders* It looks like his hair is brown (but it's actually dirty blond), and the picture just looks bad overall. Oh well.. I GOT LARRY! WOOT! XD
oh, the pic of larry doesn't work. pooh. Well, here's a picture of him (though it's an ugly one, he looks 100x better in real life...):
Larry
TAKE MY QUIZ!!!!
You're me, Katie. Ah, what can we say about you?
You're known for ranting like crazy, and
complaining nonstop. You're suicidal and
depressed, and have no control over yourself.
You struggle with life, and can get rather
bitchy or quiet during your depression
episodes. You have zero self esteem, and
criticize everything you do. You often get
complimented on your red hair or music skills
(cello and french horn), but you think you
stink at it anyway. You're also in colorguard,
and do everything in the world to make yourself
as busy as possible. Otherwise you feel lonely
and empty and whine about it all the time to
your friends. You're afraid of yourself, and
dont know who you are, and mostly just sit
wallowing in your misery, listening to
evanescence. You need drugs.
Which one of my crazy japanese mafia friends are you? (pictures and more soon to be added!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Sorry if the pictures don't work. They go off and on. ;_;
Well, today sucked. Dentist. No one home after that. But I got an evanescence shirt, so I'll live. :D
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[16 Jun 2004|03:02pm] |
A cute little girl took over our English class today. It's kinda a long story-ish. She was another teacher's daughter. She pretended she was the teacher and took over the class for 40 minutes. She was really cute.
Today was our Japan Club party.. lots of food and anime. It was pretty fun I guess. I sure did eat a lot though! Ugh, I'm gonna be huge now. I ate more than I have in a while.. XP kinda makes me feel sick thinking about it.
So, now I'm home.. I should be studying. >_<.
I'll do quizzes instead!
( Quizzes? )
You belong in the land of darkness, otherwise known
as one of the worlds in which I dwell. All here
is beauty inspired by tragedy and great sorrow.
Write or go through other creative outlets to
express the anguish you may be feeling, and
never let anyone tell you that you are just
being 'weepy' or full of 'teenage angst'(if
you're a teenager.If not, then they really
should be punished for calling you one. They
probably are trying to insult your
maturity...fools.)and always remain yourself,
dark and amazing. Never change.
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
SPIFFY.
I'm bored..... x_______X
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